Mundane-gus Fletcher

Okay, so I know I haven't been the best at blogging recently, even though I promised to stop being on hiatus and start bringing the awesome again. But quite honestly, other than reading Harry Potter and doing some occasional wedding stuff, not much has happened. A short breakdown of the week's events:

*I saw the Simpsons movie on Friday, and it was highly hilarious, based solely on the line "Spider Pig/Spider Pig/Does whatever a Spider Pig does." If you go to see it, I recommend staying all the way through the credits. Also, just a warning-- you'll get to see Bart's ween, which is totally disturbing.

*My car appears to have developed its own cloak of invisibility, rendering my translucent whenever I attempt to merge onto the freeway. No less than five cars nearly ran me off the road last week alone.

*I discovered a Wal-Mart that's easily within driving distance of work, which is depressing, because it means I no longer have a reason to beg Ben to go to Target with me in the evening.

*A friend of mine told me the other day that she had seen a special on the Antichrist on television, and that he was supposed to be of Middle Eastern descent, very charismatic, and experience a swift rise to power. Which got me to thinking-- I'm of Middle Eastern descent, very charismatic, and I did become mail audit supervisor shockingly quickly. Perhaps...?

Post Traumatic Potter Sydrome

I don't know about the rest of you, but if you're anything like me, you're still reeling from LOP-- Life After Potter. I personally find myself going to bed early under the pretense of finally getting some sleep (between wedding, Potter and work, I've been averaging 5 hours a night), only to stay up until one a.m. rereading the crucial parts (and purposefully skipping over the two hundred page section in which they do absolutely nothing except camp, which I can experience just by staring at Jellystone Park for a few hours). Also, romantically enough, right this very minute Ben is sitting in the living room, listening to disc 9 of the book on CD.

For those of us unwilling to let the whole thing pass unanalyzed, I suggest heading to Post Potter: After the Deathly Hallows, a support group of sorts created by that Head Girl of Potterdom, Ashley. It is wracked with spoilers, so if you haven't finished reading, or haven't started (riiiiight), do not go there. But if you have, and you want to discuss, there's your chance.

In the meantime, I must retire to (pretend to sleep and) reread The Prince's Tale a couple more times. Alas, poor Snapey. I knew him well.

A Farewell to Wands

Just finished HP & the DH about two hours ago... face is puffy, but spirits are good. I have so much to say, but don't want to spoil anything for those who haven't finished. So here, in extremely censored form, are my thoughts:

1. I heart Harry Potter.

2. I heart cameos-- ride on, Cadogan, ride on!

3. Some people seem a little too brave since the last time we saw them.

4. Some deaths: not necessary?

5. Some: highly necessary. But totally gut-wrenchingly sad.

6. Where the fuck was the Mimbulus Mimbletonia?

I will say this: I am a life-long reader of books, and studied literature in-depth for seven years, and I have never, never cried the way I cried at this book (except maybe at the end of Where the Red Fern Grows, but dude, I was only eight). All in all, a highly satisfying end to a cultural phenomenon I feel proud to have been a part of, even if I wasn't in on the ground floor (much props to Ashley and Denise K. for getting me on board).

So, Potter lovers, where do we go from here? And don't say Lord of the Rings, because I am not doing that.

Dear Snape,

As I prepare to read the final Harry Potter book, I realize that it will be my final chance to tell you how I really feel about you. Which is that I really, really, really love you.

I know you've done some bad things. I know your hair is greasy and and you have a hook nose, and in the book, the pictures of you depict you with a creepy pointed beard and mustache combo, which I am not generally accepting of. But I can't help it. I believe you to be, by far, the most interesting character in the whole series. Including Harry Potter himself.

That's right, America. Harry Potter is lame in comparison to Snape. I don't apologize for my feelings.

Anyway, Snape. What I'm really writing to tell you is that I will be super, super pissed if you turn out to be evil. Don't be evil, Snape! I command you! Be good, and fall in love with Petunia, the sister of your first love. Because that would be so awesome if you were Harry's step uncle. I don't know how we'll deal with the Vernon situation. But you've dealt with so much worse!

[Please note: I do not believe Snape will end up with Petunia, because I am not retarded. But wouldn't it be swell?]

Anyway again, Snape. Sorry for all the interjections. I still feel the need to explain my love for you to those less inclined to accept your sour hatred and intermittent killing sprees.

So, that having been said, do not be evil. Please?

Stay awesome,

Kim

PS: Okay, so maybe Harry's not lame. But I still think you're cooler. Also, please tell Alan Rickman that I want to be his girlfriend. Okay?

Ferrets: The Pursuit of Excellence

Tonight, a show called "Ferrets: The Pursuit of Excellence" is going to air on PBS. This, alone, is hilarious. But the reason I even know about this show is because I was watching NOVA last night (because not unlike Ashley, I, too, enjoy dorky public television) and after it was over, this commercial came on.

This may be the greatest commercial of all time, due to:

1. The look of stone glee on the woman's face

2. The fact that they are throwing a ferret into the air with a sheet

3. There is clearly ferret poop on the sheet

I swear, I must have watched this commercial 100 times. I do not, however, have any actual plans to watch "Ferrets: The Pursuit of Excellence."

Two ways to end a pity party

I was having one of those shitty days, which I have about once a month or so (or, for about a six-month period while I was in graduate school), during which I feel that no one likes me at all, and that my disappearance would have about as much effect on the world as the cancellation of "Family Matters" (which, I'm sure, at least a couple of you assumed was still on).

I don't really know what prompts these days, but I do know that a friend once told me (during my six-month bout with extreme self-perceived unpopularity) "If we were to organize a weekly 'We Love Kim Shable' party, you would wonder why we weren't throwing them twice weekly."

Rereading that, I don't know if I should have held on to that particular statement as long as I have.

All I know is, I was feeling totally unpopular and nobodyish, until I got home and two things happened:

1. My passport arrived two weeks earlier than the earliest they said it would. This makes me feel extremely important, as there are constantly stories on the news about people who applied for their passports in March and still don't have them. Of course, the ultimate irony in all this is that, since the time I ordered my passport back in May, Ben and I have changed our honeymoon plans to go to Mexico, for which I currently don't actually need a passport.

2. While walking the dog, Jeni and I saw a man in the street taking pictures of something with his cell phone. As we approached, we saw a gigantic black bird perched menacingly on the fence of the baseball field-- a buzzard, something I have never actually seen before in real life. We watched it for about five minutes, and were particularly enthralled when it hopped off the fence and began eating a dead squirrel in the road. Once we dropped Che off at the house, I ran back to try to take its picture, but it was already gone.

What does this mean? Is it a sign of some sort? A sign that I shouldn't be so down, because at least I get to sit on my couch eating Cheez-Its instead of scavenging for carrion? All I know is, it's a lot harder to feel bad about yourself when there's a three foot tall raptor hanging out outside your house.

Shaby's back/tell a friend

Hiatus over. Was I missed? I suspect the answer is "You were gone?"

It was a much needed break, as I was beginning to-- and I am not making this up-- develop hives regarding my wedding status. But much has been accomplished, both wedding-wise and un-wedding-wise in the past ten days.

Wedding-wise:

*Bought wedding bands
*Bought sassy new wedding shoes
*Picked readings (one by David Sedaris!) and readers, and vows and other ceremony jargon
*Chose, ordered and approved invitations
*Tentatively chose favors (which are shockingly uncool, but still very cute, and their having been chosen immediately eliminated all signs of hives and irregular stomach issues)
*Fired DJ and hired Rocco
*Worked on registry (An issue: how many more things could we possibly need? This is why there is now a memory foam leg-separating pillow on my registry.)

Un-wedding-wise:

*Rediscovered fervent passion for shandies-- half light beer, half lemonade, all delicious
*Watched copious amounts of TiVo, including old favorite "Home Movies" on Adult Swim
*Read half of "The Little Friend" by Donna Tartt before mysteriously stopping
*Got weak little tan at beach
*Listened to the song "Dance Tonight" off Paul McCartney's new album 800 times

Now that the wedding stuff is a little more under control (until the invitations arrive, I guess, and I have to face the agony of either doing the correct thing of hand addressing 125 envelopes or printing snazzy labels instead), I intend to proceed through life with more of a Don't Worry, Be Happy, Bobby McFerrin-esque attitude. I also intend to e-mail the people I have been ignoring for the last three months, and possibly fall into a Harry Potter based coma. All in all, a nice, relaxing hiatus.

But I'm back, bitches. So be warned.

On hiatus

This is just a short post to let you know that I am going on hiatus for a couple days. Move me to the "blog more" section if you must, Pen and M, but know that I will return, stronger and more venerable than ever before!

In the meantime, I am giving myself a much-needed break from all things wedding over the 4th and just relaxing. Thus far, this includes:

1. Eating 3/4ths of a family-sized bag of (reduced fat, at least!) Shearer's Kettle Cooked Potato Chips

2. Going bowling after getting let out of work early-- I have my own ball, which I keep in the trunk of my car! Convenient!

3. Trying in vain to set up a Twitter account, which I am convinced would be awesome, even though I don't know anyone who uses it and it does seem vaguely annoying. Thoughts?

Anyway, I WILL return soon, so please don't abandon hope, ye who enter here.

Update (8:33 p.m.): So I did succeed in joining Twitter. Will I use this utterly mundane, ultimately soul-killing device? Probably. Probably most often when I'm out at a restaurant and Ben's in the bathroom, which is when I feel the most life-suckingly bored. Luckily for you, Twitter makes a special app that can let you see what I'm Twittering, which I have pasted right here onto my blog. Oh, the joy of it all!