NOTE! This entry is about my wee box problems. If you do not like excessive use of the word "urethra," or would prefer not to know what a cystoscopy actually entails, preferring to remain forever in the dark about the horrors of having your urinary tract checked out via tiny camera, you should probably not read this. Don't say I didn't warn you.
A verbatim account from the office of Dr. X., Urologist:
Cystoscopy is a procedure that is used to visually inspect the bladder and the urethra (tube leading out of the bladder). This can be done in most instances without discomfort by the use of a local anesthetic jelly (not a shot)!! You will be placed on a special table with your legs in special stirrups. The end of the urinary channel (or urethra) will be cleaned and a local anesthetic placed into the urinary channel for a few moments. The cystoscope (or telescope) is passed into the bladder and the inspection is carried out. The entire exam takes less than ten minutes. Afterwards, you might expect a little discomfort while voiding and perhaps a spot of blood for a day or so. A warm bath helps to relieve this irritation and will wash off the soap we've used to prep the area. You may receive some antibiotics for a few days afterwards. Ask if you have questions-- it's not as bad as you think-- honest!
I find several things wrong with this:
1. Does the fact that the anesthetic jelly is "not a shot!!" impress anyone else? It does not impress me.
2. I am also not impressed that there will be a "special table," or that my legs will be in "special stirrups." This does not make me feel special. It makes me feel really, really disgusting.
3. The word "telescope" should never be used in conjunction with my wee box. Not ever.
4. I don't void. I pee. And I already have this problem. So it's awesome that the test I'm getting to find out why I have this problem is going to make it worse.
5. They're going to just leave soap on my "area"? You don't just leave soap on anything!
6. The phrase "it's not as bad as you think-- honest!" leads me to believe that it is going to be much, much worse than I think.
Why can't I just have a broken arm or athlete's foot, or any non-horrifyingly embarrassing ailment? Just one time?
Actually, I did have athlete's foot once, and it was pretty embarrassing. So forget that one. But come on. I am now, officially, the only person under fifty to have all her entire excretory system captured on film.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
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7 pipers piping:
Anything ending in opy is not a good thing.
Let me just say, that I know very few people who can share all of these things so openly, AND be hilarious too. I do realize you are seriously bothered by everything...but do know, that you are loved (for your willingness to share and the general way of making not so funny things funny).
Will there be a grade given to this inspection? Like with the health department? If so, I'm guessing that leaving the soap on thing is going to knock you down a few points.
It's official, you are indeed the funniest person I know. Sorry for your woes, but I'm pretty sure I just peed myself a little from laughing.
I am way more freaked out by your new picture than by the camera about to make its way up your urethra.
I don't know about you, megs, but I'd probably look like that picture if someone forced a camera up my urethra.
Oh, Eli. The colonoscopy is SO 2004. I was serious when I said I would be the first person under 50 to have their ENTIRE excretory system on film.
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