This nostalgia mainly stems from one journal in particular, which I wrote in the period from March 2003 to August 2003 (when I abruptly stopped and began writing in a different journal; according to the last entry, I stopped because I was drunk and pissed off about something, but I can't figure out what, although there is a semi-legible rant about why it's so awesome to be single, which ends with the phrase "I FUCKING HATE BEING SINGLE"). Mainly, this journal was about the following things:
1. My undying love for a guy (not the guy most of you are thinking of), and the ill-fated Letter With My Feelings that was given to him and received with no response whatsoever.
2. Hundreds of pages analyzing why there was no response to the Letter of Feelings.
3. Further analysis of how one particular incident, in which he caught me talking out loud to myself, probably put the death knell to the whole thing.
4. How my boss was absolutely sure that I had single-handedly robbed the company of our entire stock of Lip Ink. (This came up surprisingly often, and was usually intermingled with the Letter of Feelings, for reasons I can't really understand)
All I know is, this journal was intensely awesome, and while I was apparently depressed and nearly insane the entire time, I was also really, really funny.
So it makes me wonder-- should I really be blogging? Or is journaling where it's at? Don't get me wrong, I love blogging, but it has its drawbacks (mainly, that I can't discuss my actual feelings about certain issues for fear of reprisal, as in Pen's PAM entry). While the journal really would afford me more freedom, it, too, has its drawbacks:
- No one else can read it, lest I die of embarrassment (seriously, if any of you ever find this journal that I'm talking about here-- it has a picture of Richard Nixon decoupaged onto the cover-- after my death, you need to destroy it immediately, lest my ghost come to you and eat your children), and blogging allows me the chance to bask in my need to be paid attention to
- Other than the decoupage cover, it's a little aesthetically hideous, and causes hand cramps
- Most importantly, thanks to Ben, I don't really need to write tortured, long entries about how no one will ever love me. Mostly, the new entries would be "July 2: Ben is sexy. All systems are go." And without No One Will Ever Love Me entries, my journal would be pretty skimpy indeed
7 pipers piping:
I don't blame you... I just started a journal again due to a lot of things that are bothering me. You just can't blog everything!
I hated Lip Ink. I always suspected it contained some sort of flesh-eating bacteria: Now, it WILL make your lips burn for the first few days...WTF.
I don't feel like journaling and blogging have to be mutually exclusive. Journaling could be for all the things you don't feel you can put in a public forum. Because you don't want to waste that.
yah i'm with pen. definitely not mutually exclusive. we're writers. we must write write write. right? well anyway, i miss my journal too-the fact that it's been a year and a half and i haven't even broken half shows the sad state it's in. and how being bored in class helps drive creative energy. it's a completely different aesthetic too. and the narcassist that i am- please do publish my collected journal and artworks, and write discertations about them- oh yah. !> and i meant to ask? so does that mean you're leaving us?
I just went to the art supply store and bought a bunch of new pens after trying dozens of different kinds. I just love writing with pen.
I am, admittedly, a freak about some areas of my life. For example, I can't travel anywhere without bringing at least one book, and often more like three. Seriously. When I lived in NYC, I had books on the subway every day. When I take my road trips now, there's a separate bag for the books. It's my weird little thing, I suppose.
Another weird thing is that I journal every day. I went through two stop-journal gaps in the past three years, both times when I thought the current significant other was reading it (and it turned out they were, both times -- assholes). But much like the way I need to carry a book, I have a weird need to put some sort of writing down at all times. So I say, do both if you want to. We get different things out of working in different mediums -- or I think so, at least. I'm with you on the journal content, too -- mine is much funnier than the blog, because there I'm being completely honest. So... yeah, man. Go to.
p.s. The nerd in me strikes again -- I should add that Chris Offutt says some interesting things about journaling in "The Same River Twice." Worth a read.
Oh Kim,
I think I may have a been a remote witness some of your early years -- maaaaaybe not in 2003, but the "Nobody Will Ever Love Me" Years. You may or may not have kept a journal at that time, but I feel that we, the superheroes of 8th Floor Amstutz, will always keep your earliest "Letter of Feelings" dear in our hearts. Because we were all a little psycho back then -- but you were the funniest of us all, perhaps from the years of Mama's Family.
And I just have to say this, but *I told you so*. You never believed me when I said you wouldn't die a lonely old virgin, nay, you might have even scorned me for it.
But I Was RIght.
Congratulations on the Columbus Dispatch column. Where do we sign up to sing your praises to the editors???
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