Urine Big Trouble

Note: This entry is about my urine. If you're not all about my urine, I would skip it. I don't know what kind of pinko commie would not be into my urine. But whatever. Those of you with a pressing need to know about it, read on.

Also, fear not: that is not my actual urine. But you should be a little freaked out by the exact number of photographs of urine specimens available on the internet at this time.

As I approach my 27th birthday, I am rapidly, terrifyingly falling apart. Like most other birthdays, it is in the most humiliating way possible.

My troubles began last Tuesday, with a very unfun pee-related feeling that persisted well into the day. The next morning, when I woke up, it was clear that little villagers had found a monster in my wee-box, and were trying to get it out with torches. Uncool.

So, I took off from work (after a brief and confusing office-mandated trip to Staples for credit card tape-- ostensibly to get my mind off my problems, and onto the scary Mayfield Road interchange) and went to Urgent Care, as my problem was urgent, and I needed care.

What I received was a long wait in an office full of angry people and no magazines, and a receptionist who kept calling me "Miss Sherbert," which I would have found funny, if I were not about to pee my pants in an unpleasant burst of angry wee release. I was asked 19 times if I was pregnant (no) and "if I had problems cleaning myself". Then I was given unpleasant, vitamin-sized pills, told not to drink any caffeine, eat any dairy, or have any sex for one week.

Now, five days later, I have not eaten dairy, drank caffeine, or had sex, and I am calcium-deficient, sleepy, and snarky, and still, my wee box is broken. I went to see my regular doctor today, and she assured me that the Urgent Care people are most likely lobotomized spit monkeys, and gave me medicine that does not prohibit me from eating or drinking or partaking in any particular forum of amusement. However, these pills will apparently make me very sleepy, and I'm not really supposed to drive while taking them. But I would gladly fall into a coma for a week to wake up with a properly installed wee box. Just hook me up to an IV of milk and coffee.