Allo, my dear friends. It is I, Crunchy! The world's greatest but least friendly nutcracker! Here to wish you a merry, merry Christmas.I hear that many ask about Crunchy-- "how is Crunchy? You are treating Crunchy well, is my hope?" But I am here to tell you, Crunchy is being treated horribly by Kim and Ben. Kim, always with the pull on lever in Crunchy's back and make talk with funny accent! And Ben, always with the turning down of my advances!
Where Crunchy comes from, if Crunchy says you have a nice ass, you lick Crunchy's little blue laquered feet. But this Ben, he says things like, "Ha, ha, Crunchy! To the dog with you!" And speculating on Crunchy's flammability level. Which, Crunchy fears, is high.
So, please, friends of Kim, hear my plea! I am trapped in a hateful world of evil, with the constant force-feeding of nuts and the threats of scorching. I know Crunchy may have been mean to you before, perhaps called you gay, or stupid, or ugly, or told you your butt smelled, or that your parents didn't love you, or any other number of things, but you must save Crunchy from this! Look! They have put Crunchy next to pictures of grandparents! How can Crunchy insult people properly when surrounded by old people?
Thank you,
Much love,
Crunchy
PS: You are fat.
2 pipers piping:
Crunchy, have you considered recording a Christmas Hits album? Perhaps with your Wilmington connections, you could team up with Andy Griffith?
Love,
Your Biggest Fan
I will save you crunchy!! Next time I feed the cat you will be saved!
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