New Movie Boring, Firthless, say critics

Now, I admit that I don't know much about the new version of Pride and Prejudice that's coming out this weekend; I also shamefacedly admit that I have never watched the original BBC mini-series, or, sadly, even read the book. But my friend Ashley, pictured here dancing with Prejudice's original Mr. Darcy, Colin Firth, has asked me to begin an official boycott of the movie.

As she points out, the new Mr. Darcy is non-handsome, and not nearly as dashing as Colin Firth, who, although Ashley and I both love our boyfriends very much, we would definitely fistfight over if he came to town looking for a place to stay. This, she and I both believe, is a travesty. How is this new guy going to look emerging from a lake with his Victorian shirt all besotted? Not that great, we say.

And let me go two steps further with this boycott:

1. The preview for the movie has Howie Day's "Collide" in it, which is neither Victorian nor Firthy, and also reminds me too much of Peter Gabriel's "Solsbury Hill," which seems to be in every preview ever, especially ones featuring John Cusack. But I digress.

2. I have seen first-hand an issue of Esquire in which Keira Knightley shows off her boobies. This is bad and wrong. I know this may be hypocritical, since I've heard rumors that Colin Firth himself shows off his wang in the new movie Where The Truth Lies, but that's okay, because he did it for his art, while she did it for the sheer jollies of showing off her boobies. This may be untrue, but I don't care, because there's something about her that just makes me want to punch.