I went dress shopping today for the first time, and felt very thin and sassy, which is actually the exact opposite of what I thought would happen. I realize, of course, that my thin-and-sassiness was mostly due to the corset and slip that actually left me dizzy for several minutes after removal, but I do not actually care, because even though I couldn't breathe, I was so. Hot.
Of course, for security reasons, I can't post any pictures of the actual dresses I tried on here-- while I do regularly inform Ben of my every move, including my need to poop, I am trying to keep him in the dark on this one. So if you'd like to see me in any thin and sassy dresses, just let me know and I'll e-mail some pictures over (but please be warned-- my mother did not tell me before she took any of the pictures, so in a fair number of them I look like a slack-jawed yokel).
So instead of posting actual pictures of me, I will instead share with you this picture of a Vera Wang dress model, whom I find very scary and upsetting. There are multi-page spreads of models just like these in every bridal magazine I pick up, and they all give me the heebie-jeebies. Why is she all hunchy like this? Why is she holding a stick? Is she going to attack me? Did she just fight a stag for superiority? Is that why her hair is so messed up, and she appears to be sporting the defeated stag's horns?
The dress I like does not look like this one. But I am so preparing my Big Stick bouquet.
4 pipers piping:
have you noticed that almost all of the bridal models look unhappy? Like she fought a stag AND the groom to get away? You're getting married - shouldn't you...I don't know..smile a little? And stick bouquets - so avante garde. Can we fight like pirates with them?
See, the crazy up-dangling ribbons in her hair make me think she's falling. Maybe...
I've got it! She's actually a superhero, The Morose Bride, or something. I mean, clearly she must be from another planet. How else to explain that magenta flesh?
See, she just finished tangling with her arch-nemesis, Dr. Justafling, who ditched her at the altar lo these many years ago.
In this week's episode, he's been breeding these human-deer hybrids to be his own personal army. All of a sudden, she comes busting into his cliff-side fortress. She throws out some pithy one-liner, like, "Sorry to bust up your stag party," and then totally starts kicking ruminant ass.
After only three deer-men are killed, Dr. Justafling orders a retreat. ("What's the matter? Afraid to commit your forces?") She wrenches one last mutant's antlers straight out of his skull and then leaps off the cliff into the dark chasm below.
Being a superhero, The Morose Bride has nothing to fear from such a long fall, and her mind drifts, as it always does, back to that fateful day. This publicity photo was taken at the very moment she hit the ground.
There. We now have an explanation for: unnatural skin tone, ragged hair, sad face, antler bouquet, hunched posture, and upward-dangling ribbons. I leave the explanation for the nipples to someone else. No doubt, part of her mysterious past...
I want pictures! Send me pictures!
So when you get your hair done, instead of going to a hairdresser, all you apparently have to do is crawl under a thorn bush and wend your head through the branches just a few hours prior to the ceremony. Rat's nests are HOT.
I like the antlers. You should work them into whatever dress you do end up getting.
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