Dear Asshole That Stole My Garmin,
You're really lucky you got that when you did, because I'm about to move away. So I hope you enjoy the drugs that its pawning afforded you, unless you're actually using it to plot routes to some other, unrelated drug score, in which case I hope you enjoy the pleasant Englishman voice I programmed into it for you.
I do appreciate that you didn't take my CDs, and also that you very gently shut the car door so that I wouldn't wake up to a dead battery. That was really nice of you, really.
Since I will be leaving town in a few short weeks here, I would appreciate it if you didn't come back and try to take any of our other shit, although I imagine that I will likely spend most of my remaining evenings here hiding in the bed of Ben's truck with a baseball bat. You know, just in case.
In conclusion, I hate Euclid, and I hate you, and I hope your face is eaten off by vicious dogs (which are also abundant in this neighborhood, just to warn you). I would also like to give a special shout-out to the Euclid Police Department, who always stop patrolling our street as soon as school lets out (which would explain why we were robbed DURING THIS EXACT SAME MONTH two years ago).
All best,
Kim
3 pipers piping:
No!
Damn dirty thieves. Did I ever tell you that I caught a guy in my apartment this past Labor Day? I screamed like a little girl.
Then he came back the next day, but my white trash neighbor chased him off.
Then he came back the next day with a friend and stole my Xbox and a (thankfully empty) safe.
The suspect could be identified by his unusual gait, most likely caused by his ginormous balls.
Dude! That sucks! Sorry, man. Glad you're getting out of there. Sayonara, bitches!
Kim, my favorite curse is one you've probably heard me rip before, "May they die choking on their own vomit!"
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