I'm Mark Harmon! Check out my sweet 'stache!

I don't know how I missed it, since I read every article both before (Dave Chapelle invites Ohio marching band to his concert!) and after (Some woman named Cupcake Brown is mildly interesting!) it, but last week's Entertainment Weekly featured a three-page article on my arch-enemy, Mark Harmon. Apparently, Mark Harmon regrets nothing he has ever done, including competing in Battle of the Network Stars, and taking-- and relishing!-- a role in which he plays a man named Jethro. I'm not even certain of the point of the show, but come on, man-- Jethro?

I often wonder if I will ever get over my intense, burning dislike of Mark Harmon. One would think that twelve years later, I would no longer be bothered by the fact that a b-list celebrity's assistant would write me an angry, six-page letter in response to my admittedly over-the-top requests for an autograph. One would think that I would realize that perhaps Mr. Harmon does not take to sarcasm as well as other, perhaps more fun celebrities, and was truly unappreciative of the tone of my letters (which, let me note here again for the record, became sarcastic only after they began coming back to me with a hand-written "return to sender" note on them).

But piss on that. I'm not doing it.

Mark Harmon, you totally blew your chance to star in the movie version of My Crappy Novel That No One Will Ever Be Allowed to Read. It was also going to star Wynona Ryder (until she got too old, because it took me so long to write) and maybe Paul Giamatti, who has real Oscar potential. And a million billion people were going to watch that movie, and buy it on DVD when Target put it on sale for the low low price of $15. And teenage girls everywhere would have been impressed with your sensitivity and ability to fist-fight other celebrities.

So sad for you, Mark Harmon.