All the Young Dudes

Okay, this seems like the most fun meme of all time, and so I thought I'd share it with all of you (also, because I haven't posted on my blog in a million years and need something to distract you all from the fact that I live quite possibly the most boring life of all time.

I'm going to tag some Facebook friends on this beeotch, but I urge all of you to play along, because seriously, this is the coolest thing EVER. Special thanks to Randy for passing it along!

Oh, and also? Please forgive the lameness of some of these songs. Remember that I lost my super cool music collection in the Great Crash of '08. Although these songs were a part of that collection, too. So I guess I should just shut up.

RULES:

A. Put your music player on shuffle.
B. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
C. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
D. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the game as well as the person you got the game from.

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
"Minimum Wage" by They Might be Giants (I guess that could be an acceptable answer)

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"Oops... I Did It Again" by Britney Spears

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"Eve of Destruction" by Barry McGuire

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"Creep" by Radiohead (I do feel rather skeevy today...)

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"Ready to Go" by Republica

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"We Built This City" by Jefferson Starship

8.WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"My Doorbell" by The White Stripes (which is so untrue, because I was trained at a very young age that anyone who would ring my doorbell without calling first was probably there to rape and/or kill me, so I would throw myself on the ground and lay there for like a half an hour every time my doorbell would ring in the time between when I got out of school and when my parents got home, which happened a lot, because my parents are avid catalog shoppers. To this day, when the doorbell rings and I don't expect it, I have to fight the urge to lay prone on the ground for long periods of time.)

9. WHAT IS 2 + 2?
"That'll Be the Day" by Buddy Holly and the Crickets

10 WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"He Got Game" by Public Enemy (SO TRUE!)

11.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Vampire" by Antsy Pants (that can't be good)

12. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"Uptight (Everything's All Right)" by Stevie Wonder

13. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"I Don't Want to Spoil the Party" by The Beatles

14. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Here Comes Santa Claus" by Elvis Presley (Ew.)

15. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"The Distance" by Cake

16. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Sunshine of Your Love" by Cream (This song has a creepy stalker feeling to it, though, like someone creeping up on you. Which isn't super romantic.)

17 What will they play at your funeral?
"All Apologies" by Nirvana (Ouch.)

18. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Tiny Dancer" by Elton John

19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"The Jean Genie" by David Bowie

20. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Shame For You" by Lily Allen (again, ouch.)

21. WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
"Money Talks" by AC/DC (That WOULD be effing weird)

22. HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"Hot For Teacher" by Van Halen

23. WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
"Dude (Looks Like a Lady" by Aerosmith (I do regret all those men's XXL t-shirts of my youth...)

24. WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
"Why Don't We Do It In the Road" by The Beatles

25. WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
"I've Got an Ape Drape" by The Vandals

26. WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
"Brian Wilson" by Barenaked Ladies (does this mean I have to marry Brian Wilson? Because I am not down with that.)

27. DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
"Let My Love Open the Door" by Pete Townshend

28. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
"Friend is a Four Letter Word" by Cake

29. WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
"Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'" by Michael Jackson (you're a buffet, you're a vegetable)

30. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"All the Young Dudes" by Jill Sobule

Rebuilding Music-con One

Now, as many of you know, I lost my mega awesome music collection in the Great Hard Drive Crash of '08; I have been slowly reassembling, but the going is rough (do I really need to search out another copy of "My Sweet Lord" by George Harrison? I probably do, right?).

What you may not know is that for the last ten months, I've been collecting approximately seven million Pepsi points and redeeming them for MP3 downloads on Amazon. As a full-on Diet Pepsi addict, I've managed to score at least 40 songs this way (as well as three CDs, a Pepsi t-shirt, and Home Movies season four on DVD-- I drink a LOT of Pepsi), but I still have enough for 20 more songs, and I have to admit, I'm totally running out of ideas. For instance, today I just downloaded the 1985 classic "Dog Eat Dog" by Weird Al Yankovic. So, I'm tapped out.

Any suggestions for cool songs I should be looking for? Keeping in mind my strict evaluation criteria:

1. Must not be snobby people music (no Radiohead or anything with an artfully illustrated pen-and-ink drawing on its cover)

2. Repetitive chorus preferred; na-na chorus a BIG plus

3. Oldies always welcome (but no Neil Young, as Neil Young just sort of sucks. Sorry.)

4. If I played it in marching band or Guitar Hero, I'll probably like it

5. Also, I go nuts for songs where there's instruments? And then all the sudden it's just singing and drums. That's the best.

So please, help me out here-- I have to use these points up by the end of next week, and if I can't think of anything, I have to use them on a Tom Morello CD for Ben, and really, there's only so much accoustic anarchy pop one can listen to on a daily basis.

Name this tune:

Okay. So there's this song that I hear maybe once a year-- always somewhere totally unacceptable to jump up and down in, let alone to start quizzing people about their musical knowledge. Like the grocery store, or a bar in Canada once (they frown on jumping in Canada). I have no idea what this song is, or who sings it, but I love it so much. But every time I try to get to the bottom of the situation, the same scenario plays out:

Me: Oh, my God! It's the Cut the Bone to Me song! Do you hear it?

Whoever I'm With: The what to what song?

Me: "Cut the bone to me! Cut the bone to me!" That's what he's saying in the chorus. I think?

WIW: That doesn't even make any sense. How do you cut a bone to someone?

Me: I guess I don't know.

WIW: That sounds dirty.

Me: For real, it's going to be over soon, just listen.

WIW: I don't even hear anything.

Me: It's on the PA system! Just listen! Shut your gob and listen for five seconds and then you will tell me who sings this song!

WIW: This song sucks.

Me: No, it does not! It is awesome and elusive, like a monarch butterfly or El Chupacabra!

WIW: Isn't this just "Collide" by Howie Day?

Me: NO, IT ISN'T EFFING "COLLIDE" BY HOWIE DAY! I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHO SINGS THIS SONG RIGHT NOW! KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND!

WIW: I think it's over.

Me: Mother effer.

I had this exact conversation with Ben in the Chesterland Giant Eagle on Sunday, when the song emerged for its annual peek-a-boo while we were in the checkout line. I was actually on my way back to produce to buy some pepitas (which is apparently what you call pumpkin seeds when they are naked and shell-less), and I came careening back up to the front of the store when I heard it, only to be shut down again (but to be fair, Ben doesn't recognize any songs, including many beloved children's rhymes and also "Proud to Be an American" by Lee Greenwood).

So I beseech you, if you are aware of this song, please put me out of my misery and tell me what it is, so I can buy it, listen to it seven hundred times, and then never have to be driven half-mad by it again. Here's what I know about it:

1. The chorus at least sounds like the phrase "cut the bone to me, cut the bone to me," although that admittedly does sound really dirty

2. It does sound like Howie Day singing, but it's definitely not "Collide". Who else sings like Howie Day?

3. It came out no later than July 2005, because the first time I officially remember hearing it was at the aforementioned very calm bar in Canada, and that's the last time I ventured up north

Please help me! The "cut the bone to me" part will be in my head for at least the next six weeks if no one can come up with the name...

Farewell, sweet Pentium

Just to explain the bitter, nuke-u-lar winter type silence that has fallen over my blog of late-- this past Monday, around one in the morning, my computer began making a sort of wheezing noise that I normally associate with our dog when it has a particularly vigorous booger infestation. So I got out of bed and put it in sleep mode, and... and... it never woke up.

I've been futzing around with it for the last few days, trying to coax one more evening worth of life out of it before I consign myself to the bitter task of computer searching so that I can rescue my (you all must admit) insanely awesome collection of one-hit wonders from my hard drive so that they can live to craft another decade of mega CDs. (Because where, I ask you, where, am I going to get another copy of "Brand New Pair of Rollerskates" by Melanie Safka? Answer? Effing nowhere.) But I can't even get it to go into safe mode-- it just keeps taking me back to this scary black screen that looks vaguely DOS-y.

So anyway, until I get that situation resolved, my blog might be MIA-- again. Those of you who are particularly interested in seeing it up and running can feel free to send donations to my Pay Pal account, so that I can save up and get the super sweet computer that can burn pictures right onto the CDs I make. Because nothing accentuates a CD full of crap like an awesome picture of me making guns with my fingers!

Requiem for a Dying Computer

I came home to find the black screen of death on my computer today-- even more ominous than the blue screen of death, which at least has writing on it, the black screen just stares at you, a yawping maw of desolation and emptiness. "I ate your thesis," it says. "And all your pictures, and that live recording of Barenaked Ladies performing 'McDonald's Girl' that you worked so hard to find."

Luckily, Ben was able to resurrect the computer through a complex process of unplugging and plugging the power cord and hitting random buttons-- apparently, the escape key is now somehow imperative to the start-up of the computer for some reason, as is that weird Spanish squiggly button. But I know this laptop isn't long for this earth, so the time for harvesting its bounty has begun.

I actually discovered the black screen of death right before I had to drive to my parents' house to pick up a chainsaw, which isn't as interesting of a story as it sounds, so I'll omit it here. But on the way there, I found myself musing over what I really would have lost if I came back and the computer couldn't be saved. In the past, this concept has driven me to insane, panicky tears-- what if I never get to hear "Oh Sherry" again? But tonight, it didn't seem so bad.

After all, I did the smart thing and saved all my digital pictures to CDs the last time the black screen of death darkened my door, along with all my important word documents, including the fragments of the fabled John Boston Story, which is the worst novel ever written, and which I've been working on since I was thirteen, so at least that would be saved for the ages. And maybe it was time to admit that I never, ever wanted to hear "You Spin Me Right Round" ever again. I could rebuild my music collection, make it bigger, better, far less embarrassing ("Pray," by MC Hammer? Really?).

But thanks to the random button poking of my computer savvy husband, I have been given a second chance. Maybe now I can finally use this computer to write something of substance-- my entire thesis was actually composed on my old computer, and the John Boston story was from the computer before that. Maybe, in its dying days, this computer can become home to my masterpiece.

And then, just to be a dick, it will eat it.

Good news/Bad news/Weird news

Good news: Despite rumors to the contrary, I have easily conquered the mail merge, effortlessly producing beautiful labels on clear sticky paper to be applied to my awesome, awesome save the date cards. (By "easily conquered," I mean "conquered after seven tries." But still!



Bad news: According to my parents, I have received a vaguely threatening letter from school, stating that I have defaulted on my student loans. First of all, let me state categorically that I have NOT defaulted on my student loans. I have, in fact, made every payment early since the first one in November 2004. This does not, however, stop me from having terrifying thoughts of somehow having not been informed about some clause stating that I needed to hand-deliver each and every copy of my cancelled checks to the registrar's office in that horrible building on-campus that smelled like sweat and pencil shavings, and that now, I owe the school some catastrophically high amount of money that will prevent me from taking a proper honeymoon, and I will end up spending it in Hershey, PA.

Good news: the Cavs won, which must mean that they are not pissed that I called their playing pathetic. This is probably a good sign that LeBron will, in fact, be attending my wedding, and bringing a totally awesome gift, and probably high-fiving me, at which point I will pee my pants.

Bad news: My MP3 player (which, Frisby, is 1G SanDisk Sansa) is still only playing the same songs-- fortunately, it has selected new ones, as I was getting really tired of fucking "Bad Day." The list is now:

• The Real Slim Shady, Eminem
• Stacy's Mom, Fountains of Wayne
• Seven Nation Army, The White Stripes
• Ready to Go, Republica
• We Can Work It Out, Stevie Wonder (still)

Weird news: Two girls at work witnessed a chipmunk attack and behead a bird, which I thought very odd, as chipmunks are supposed to be vegetarian, forcing me to worry that the chipmunk has rabies, and might charge out at me at any time and gnaw on my ankle, turning me into a rabid monster a la Teacake in Their Eyes Were Watching God, and someone will have to shoot me.

Dear Barenaked Ladies,

How could you do this to me?

Do you know how embarrassing it is already to be the world's biggest Barenaked Ladies fan? No one takes you seriously! Even after I explain that your genius lies not in "One Week" and "Pinch Me," but in your other varied, beautiful, soul-searching tracks. No-- once I explain that I am a Barenaked Ladies fan, people's image of me drops from Well Educated Literati to Girl Who Probably Watches "Pants Off Dance-Off" While Making a Scrapbook of Her Cat.

But I always stood by you. Even after you released Everything to Everyone, which, let's face it, wasn't really that great. Except for "Upside Down." And the song about the monkeys.

But now you come at me with not one but two CDs O'Crap, Barenaked Ladies Are Me and Barenaked Ladies Are Men. Which I had such high hopes for! Because maybe? They would be a return to form? And I would find another song like "Enid" or "Break Your Heart".

I did not find anything remotely like that.

Oh, that one song, "Bank Job," that was good. I liked that. Because there were nuns in it. And catchy!

But then I go get BNL Are Men, and find that not one but two of the songs on it are the exact same song as "Bank Job," only with different lyrics! (For anyone else out there who's been burned by these CDs, which I think at this point is just Kelly, I'll point them out for you-- "Fun and Games," and "Quality.") Also eeriely familiar-- "What a Letdown" ("Never Is Enough") and "Beautiful" ("Conventioneers").

Point is, I sense that you've given up. Your new music is hookless and unmemorable, and the drawings on the covers of both Me and Men are creepy and upsetting.

And so, it is with great sorrow that I announce that I am renouncing you as My Favorite Band Other Than the Beatles. Of course, your entire catalogue, up until Maroon (and some portions of Everything To Everyone) will still be celebrated in my home. But I deny the existence of these two CDs entirely, and a good third of Everything.

In your place, I name Cake my new FBOTtB. As such, I will be forced to rearrange my CD book so that their CDs come before yours; in a fit of rage, I may also place you behind Elvis Costello and possibly even The Presidents of the United States of America, which I know is a severe blow, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Okay, I won't do that, just because the only thing lamer than a BNL fan is a POTUSA fan. I obviously know how to pick them.

To the rest of the world, I urge you to listen to BNL as they once were, and discover their glory anew. But to you, BNL, I can only express my disappointment and sadness.

Thanks for everything up to, well, Everything.

All best,

Kim Shable

PS: Some awesome new music? Lily Allen (especially "LDN," which I can listen to on incessant repeat), Mika, and Avril Lavigne's new song, "Girlfriend," which I understand is geared toward thirteen-year-old girls, but which I cannot stop rocking out to.

Things I find vexing

• I just bought this bike:

And tomorrow the temperature is supposed to go back down into the thirties.

• I am, as I type this, compiling a mix CD that I do not feel has a solid anchor song. It does, however, feature both "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina" and the Presidents of the United States' of America's "Puffy Little Shoes," so I am hoping its eclectic nature will save it.
  
• I still have no music for my wedding ceremony...

... and this guy is an actual option available to me. This isn't just a picture of a bagpiper. This is an actual Cleveland bagpiper that I could get to play at my wedding. For $3,000. I am seriously considering this.

• Not really.
  

I have been having a lot of trouble lately with the fact that I'm getting older. I don't mean, Oh, My Back Hurts older. Or even Old As My Parents older. Really, just Not a Kid or Even a Cool Youth Anymore older. Older like that one student teacher that always wanted to be hip to the young people.

Specifically, I started feeling older when I pulled out some old CDs I made in college (I was a very early adopter of the CD burner, one of the only things I can officially claim to have gotten in on near the ground floor) and the song "Good" by Better Than Ezra came on, and I realized that that song had been old when I put it on the CD, meaning it was even older now. Specifically, it is twelve years old. Meaning it would be in the seventh grade now, if it were a person. It would be learning pre-algebra.

One day, I will have kids who will listen to "Good" and tell me what a humongous spaz I was for ever liking that song (I'm assuming that by then, music will have deteriorated into the sounds of actual murders being committed while the trumpet riff from Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual" is sampled in the background).

Another factor that is really not helping my feelings of oldness is the fact that I am actually looking older, I think. Sort of puffy and wrinkly and my hair is definitely turning white at an alarming rate. I mean, look at me here, circa 1995 (the same year that "Good" came out, not coincidentally), with my brown, brown hair and big full eyebrows. (In an unrelated by very interesting note, that cat that I'm holding was named Sly, and when he died in 1998 my parents had him cremated and the tin containing his ashes sits under our Christmas tree every year.)

All I know is, I only have a few more years before my youthful exuberance becomes "creepy 30-something woman behaving in an upsetting fashion" at parties and sporting events. So I'm going to make the most of them, and spackle every last wrinkle into oblivion (because caked-on makeup is so youthful).

PS: This picture was actually taken for a faux fashion catalog that my friends and I had to put together for French class. So, that should tell you how into fashion I was in 1995. Maybe getting older isn't so bad, after all...

"Anything" Was Mine First

I would just like to share my abject horror at the fact that the new

Gap ads feature the song "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better" from Annie Get Your Gun, as sung by Ethel Merman. Not because I dislike this song-- actually, I like it very much-- but because up until now, I believed myself to be the only person on earth who knew this song existed, other than the rest of the cast of the Aurora High School 1994 production of the aforementioned play. And this somehow made me cool. I'm not sure how yet, I haven't worked that part out. But my knowledge of that song made me cool.

And now everyone knows it. And I've heard like seven people humming it. And I guarantee everyone's going to download it, and soon the whole country will know it, and will have developed Ethel Merman impressions that rival my own, which anyone major dude will tell you is very good.

Come on, Gap people! That was my one theater thing that I had going for me. Everyone knows "Music of the Night," or even "No Business Like Show Business," which, as you may or may not know, was also in Annie Get Your Gun. But this was my one big song. I used to sing it while waiting in line for stuff, which really used to annoy people. I was annoying like that. But still, I bet they couldn't help but marvel at my obscure musical theater knowledge.

Not much

This is not the first time I have had nothing of import to say on my blog, but it will probably be the least interesting.

This is mainly because many, many hilarious things are happening in my life right now, and I am not at liberty to discuss any of them, because they could get me fired, or beat up, or put on Santa's naughty list, or all three. So I am forced to keep them to myself, giggling in a high-pitched way at their sadly secret hilarity.

However, this will not stop me from blogging, because I totally dread being placed on the "You Should Blog More" list over at Pen and M's. So here, in no particular order, are some random numbered pieces of information:

1. I am still insanely obsessed with Clapton's "Bellbottom Blues," mentioned earlier; this has only gotten worse since, just this evening, I got a copy of The Cream of Clapton from the library and have been listening to it pretty much non-stop. Turns out the whole CD is good, which shames me, because I have always been a vocal anti-Clapton rabble-rouser.

2. You should read Philip Roth's The Plot Against America. If you do so, please note that it does get more interesting, although you might not believe me when you're in the interminable section about his attempt to run away to the orphanage.

3. Click is the single most misleading movie ever made. Do not watch this movie. It will make you cry your face off, and that is no joke. I sat around the house with no face for about forty-five minutes. It was ugly.

4. I feel that the number of comments on my blog is down, and that makes me sad. I am sad now. Do you know what will make me feel better? If you post a comment. No pressure.

5. Please visit this man's blog. If you like things that are funny, or if you like Marmaduke (which, please note, does not fall into the catagory of "Things That Are Funny"), you will like this blog.

6. Finally, because I feel a blog post without a picture is terrifying and naked, I include for you this picture, which comes up in Google image search when you type "Click Marmaduke:"

Fade Away

Although I realize that this will reveal me to be nearly elderly in my music choices, I have to say that I heard the song "Bell Bottom Blues" by Eric Clapton on the radio yesterday, and I cannot get it out of my head, which means I must procure a copy within the next 48 hours or else succumb to madness. It is, at least in my mind, the greatest song ever written*, even though as of right now I only know like six words of it-- "I don't want to faaaaade awaaaay"-- but they're the best five words of the whole song, so I'm not too worried about that part.

If you have this song, please come to my house so we can play it over and over and over again, until we get tired of it or else vomit from sheer glee.

*Please note that my opinion of "the greatest song ever written" changes sometimes over the span of just a few hours-- for example, this afternoon, I believed "Oh Sherry" by Steve Perry was the greatest song ever written, but after coming home and listening to it a few times, I am totally over it.

A Brand New Record For 1990

(By the way, this was a post I started on Friday, and clicked "save as draft" on, and the promptly forgot about. I didn't find it heinously boring, so here it is now, for your amusement!)

I was feeling sort of down today at work, so I decided to listen to Flood, by They Might Be Giants. While I wouldn't say I am a big TMBG fan-- I've tried, and failed, to enjoy many of their albums over the years-- but there is something about this one that I love love love.

But as I listened to it today, I reached an ugly conclusion-- this CD came out sixteen years ago. Which means someone who was born the day it came out could, in all likelihood, drive now. "Birdhouse In Your Soul" is to them as the Knack's "My Sharona" is to me.

As Flavor Flav would say, wowwwwww.

In further music news...

I just totally downloaded* "Sexyback" by Justin Timberlake (Ashley's latest flame), and am about fifteen seconds away from burning it to a CD so I listen to it eight hundred times in the car on the way to work tomorrow.

*Legally! Legally! From MSN Music! Just in case Metallica stumbles upon this site and wants to exact a weird revenge involving an "angry chair," whatever the fuck that is.

Barenaked Are Back

...or at least I think they are, based on the very brief listen I was able to give this CD since I purchased it a few hours ago. I have never really been one of those people who just puts music on in the background-- if I need to concentrate at all, it better be silence, and unlike most people, almost everything I do, including walking and going to the bathroom, requires an insane amount of concentration-- so I haven't had a chance to listen to the entire disc yet, let alone the ten or twelve times it takes me to fully grasp the goodness or badness of a CD. But I am confident that by the end of the work day tomorrow, I will be able to give you a definitive verdict on the quality of this CD.

But so far, it's looking good. I was vastly underwhelmed by their last CD, Everything to Everyone (which isn't saying much-- I liked "only" seven of the roughly twelve songs on the CD), and so was a little worried about this one. But it is sounding very Born on a Pirate Ship and not so second-half-of-Maroon, so I am pleased.

Also, please note that I am fully aware that it is patently uncool* to like Barenaked Ladies anymore, and that I should have stopped after college, like everyone else. (I could make a Dave Matthews Band comment here, but I won't, because all my friends are DMB fans and I don't want to get beat up.) However, those of you who refuse to acknowledge that BNL did not, in fact, peak with "One Week" are really missing out on a quality band. I won't go too far into it, as many of you are far more music savvy than I. But I defy you to call BNL a novelty band after listening to "Break Your Heart," "Jane," and "Tonight Is the Night I Fell Asleep at the Wheel."

So buy this CD. Do it. Do it or I'll break your tail lights with a lead pipe. For real.

*Also patently uncool? Gauchos, apparently. Not one of you has one opinion on the gaucho craze? Oh, God, I've totally missed it. I will never be fashion forward.

Lady Mix-a-Lot

Before I begin with today's request, let me just say: to Frisby, the images come from Google Images-- I highly recommend it, as it has never, NEVER failed me. And to Mendacious-- I am totally NOT avoiding your request. It just requires a bit of time to ferment...

And now, without further ado...

Two words for you-- mix tape.
--Croot

Songs That Sound Like They Came Out While I Was in Grad School, But Didn't:

1. You're Beautiful-- James Blunt
2. Bad Day-- Daniel Powter
3. Orange Sky-- Alexi Murdoch
4. I Don't Wanna Be-- Gavin DeGraw
5. Sugar, We're Going Down-- Fall Out Boy
6. Over My Head (Cable Car)-- The Fray
7. Black Horse and the Cherry Tree-- KT Tunstall
8. Bitches Ain't Shit-- Ben Folds
9. Beverly Hills-- Weezer
10. Somebody Told Me-- The Killers
11. Float On-- Modest Mouse
12. My Doorbell-- The White Stripes
13. Wake Me Up When September Ends-- Green Day
14. Kelly Clarkson-- Since U Been Gone
15. Wheels-- Cake
16. Take Your Mama-- The Scissor Sisters

Selected Liner Notes, in which I Cover My Ass, and also 'Splain Some Things:

Track 1-- I can definitely see myself, sitting on the porch swing in front of my house, vaguely crying and smoking cigarettes while watching the rain, imagining how this song really obviously was about me.

Track 3-- This song technically came out while we were in school, but no one heard of it before it was in Garden State, and also in the commercial for the really ugly SUV that looks like a milk truck.

Track 4-- Isn't this the theme to One Tree Hill? I don't think that's why I always think this song came out while I was in grad school. It just has a Wilmingtonian vibe to it.

Track 6-- We would all think this song was about us, all the time.

Track 8-- This song, not unlike "Gin and Juice" by The Gourds, would be very popular among everyone at first, but then, slowly, everyone but me would grow to hate it, while my love for it only flourished, to the point of horrifying everyone.

Tracks 10 and 11-- These songs also came out while we were in school, but so close to the end of school that they did not gain popularity until after I was already back in Ohio.

Track 16-- I would totally sing this on the way to get Hot and Fresh donuts at the Krispy Kreme.

Euclid Loves Ricky

On a routine trip to the Euclid library (which, in a bit of trivia that might interest those of you who are local, is apparently considered the third best library in the nation-- I highly recommend it), I decided to peruse the CD collection, expecting to find the usual libraryesque selections-- Pavarotti, Joni Mitchell, and a random Wilco album from 1993.

So I was shocked to find an entire rack dedicated to Ricky Martin, including no less than seven copies (seven!!) of his Spanish-language album Vuelve, an album of which I believed I owned the only copy (please, do not even question why I would own a copy of this. I bought it to impress a guy, and it didn't occur to me until much later that a guy that would be impressed that I owned Vuelve might not be interested in me).

My question is, why would the Euclid library believe that seven different patrons would come in within two weeks of each other, just really wanting to hear "Por Arriba Por Abajo"? And that only counts the ones that were actually on the shelves-- what if there are, like, seven more copies of Vuelve out there, already checked out to happy Ricky Martin fans?

And there were tons of other Ricky Martin selections, as well-- Livin' La Vida Loca, that one that has "She Bangs" on it, et. al. Why? I would have investigated further, but someone was hovering around near me, clearly wanting to get a look at the Ricky Martin rack. And I didn't want to hog the Vuelve. Whatever that means.

Dear Nelly Furtado,

Do you remember when you used to be a hippie, and you had those annoying hippie songs, "I'm Like a Bird" and "Turn Out the Light"? And everyone was like, Ooh, Nelly Furtado, she's Portuguese and Canadian?


Well, I didn't like you then, and I certainly don't like you now that you have reinvented yourself as a shiny, stomach-baring floozy.


I am CCing VH1 on this message in the hopes that they will never play "Promiscuous" again, and perhaps burn whatever footage they may have of it, so that I will never have to watch it while getting ready in the morning (as I have taken to watching VH1 in the mornings before work to catch up on what the young people are listening to, even though MTV would be a better choice, but everyone on MTV is very angry all the time, and wearing threatening eye makeup). Also, please tell Timbaland that I don't understand why he is special, given that he is named after footwear.

Please note that your new, writhing nudie image will not work, as it did not work for Jewel, and soon "Promiscuous" will be featured in commercials for crappy razors-with-the-lather-built-in.

Also, those pants make your butt look big.

Love,
Kim