I was shocked to learn yesterday morning that Charlton Heston had passed away the day before-- shocked, mostly, because I had had an Eerie Feeling that Elizabeth Taylor was going to die that weekend, and didn't, meaning my Celebrity Death Detector isn't the mad prognosticator that I had believed it to be.

To be honest, I was not that big of a Charlton Heston fan, mostly because I was already madly in love with Gregory Peck, and to spread my teenage geek love between two octogenarians seemed a little gross. But I do have two fond memories of the Omega Man, which I would be loathe not to share, considering how valuable my opinion on dead celebrities is in this whimsical world of ours.

1. My whole life, my family has celebrated Easter by watching Heston in The Ten Commandments, not because we value its religious message, but rather because we enjoy making fun of the acting. If you've never seen the movie (I can lend it to you-- I have it on VHS and DVD), please find the scene in which Heston, as Moses, realizes the folly of ordering up a plague to kill all of Egypt's first-borns, and witness the stunning display that is his delivery of the line "Turn from my fierce wrath, o Lord!" I personally have performed my own interpretation of this line thousands of times, and every-- single-- time, I find it funny. (Though this does not involve Charlton Heston at all, please also take a moment to check out the reaction of the women to the parting of the red sea. Hilarity!)

2. When he was in college, my friend Rich was a member of the Ashbrook program, an elite group of politically-minded students who were invited to meet many luminaries of the Republican party. On one outing in particular-- the day that Bob Dole came to campaign there-- Bob Dole was accompanied by NRA president Charlton Heston, with whom Rich had the opportunity to ride the elevator to the top floor of the library, where the Ashbrook scholars met. The ride was long, as the elevators at the Ashland University library are powered by donkeys pulling long strings with their teeth, and to pass the time, Charlton Heston turned to Rich, who was wearing combat boots, and said "Those are fine boots, young man. A good pair of boots will get you far in life."

Not unlike "Turn from my fierce wrath, o Lord!", I cannot resist saying this phrase whenever the opportunity arises.

So farewell, Mr. Heston. Please be assured that you will live on in multiple viewings of The Ten Commandments at the Shable and Oja houses, during which we will mock you. But in a loving way.

WIBD?

Increasingly, I find myself asking the question, "What is Britney Spears doing right now?" I have kind of become obsessed with this-- I think, perhaps, because at work we are forced to watch Fox News during our lunch hour, and Fox News appears to be about 80% dedicated to the comings and goings of Ms. Spears. I generally know what she is wearing each day, what she looks like when she's sobbing uncontrollably, how she changes her hats to fit her moods, and what shapes the acne on her face is making from one day to the next.

But, I wonder, what is Britney doing during the hours of her day that are not covered by Fox News (which, weirdly, seems to have inked a deal with TMZ.com, which seems sort of odd for a news channel whose only other extensive coverage appears to be on Why the President Is Doing a Super Awesome Job!).

I mean, think about it-- it's 9:29 p.m. here in Cleveland right now, and I am wearing a big gray sweater and typing on my blog. That means it is 6:29 p.m. where Britney is (presumably) right now-- and what is she doing? Right now? Is she eating? Is she in some sort of yoga class? Right this minute, is she scratching her ass?

This concept can also be applied to pretty much anyone-- somewhere out in the world right now, the Pope is doing something. My mom is doing something. It's actually kind of mind-boggling, if you think about it-- all around the world, people that you know in real life and in TMZ life are doing things that you're not a part of, that you can only conjecture about.

This is, really, a concept that sometimes tends to overload my synapses, which is why I choose to focus more on the Britney situation.

So, if you had to hazard a guess, what would you think Britney is doing right now? My guess: buying a new hat. With a lollipop in her mouth. Holding a small dog. Without her children.

I'm willing to bet I'm right.

All-stars

Tonight I got a phone call from an old middle school teacher, which I realize doesn't happen to most people, but that's just because most people aren't the shit, like me. Anyway, he wanted to confirm that I was actually getting married (as I had hinted in an earlier e-mail) and asked if he could tell various attendants of a Harmon Middle School retired teachers lunch the following day.

I asked him who was going to be there, and it was a cavalcade of old favorites-- Mrs. Hayes, Mrs. Wolfe, and others. And as he was listing them off, it hit me how strange it is that, while pretty much unknown to the rest of the world, the teachers you have when you are young are like your first encounters with celebrities-- like when I freaked out when I was nine and saw my old second grade teacher, Mrs. Mills, at Heinen's, which made no sense, because teachers do not go out in public or appear anywhere other than in their classrooms.

This is a feeling I was never able to shake-- I once ran into another teacher, Mrs. Brookhart, out at the same Heinen's (only in a different plaza now, so can that really be considered the same Heinen's?), while visiting home from graduate school when I was 24. And I was still like: "Wow. Mrs. Brookhart. In Heinen's."

Maybe this isn't a phenomenon common to other people, as I was freakishly attached to my teachers growing up (which might explain why I still consider the original aforementioned sixth-grade teacher one of my favorite people). I do remember that some of my own (male-- just to clear up the coming confusion) students seemed totally freaked out to see me at the beach one day when I was a TA, but I think that was more because they didn't have their shirts on and felt totally grossed out that their TA could see their nipples.

But still, I couldn't help but feel sort of proud that news of my impending marriage was being carried back to the all-star crowd at the Harmon reunion lunch tomorrow. I just hope a certain gym teacher doesn't ruin it by doing his hilarious impression of the way I run.

I don't run like that anymore, ass! And I'm marrying a hot guy. So bite it.