Dear Friends of Kim,
It is I, Crunchy! The angry Christmas nutcracker. Bask in my return to cyber-typing!
Some of you may not know me, Crunchy, because Kim was infected with the so-called "Christmas Spirit" last year at this time, leaving me, Crunchy, silent on the writing desk, surrounded by pictures of black-and-white old timey people of which Crunchy does not approve. Even though they do not move, Crunchy can see that their jaws are capable of free movement, and their legs are not really one big, non-working wooden leg with roundish planks for feet.
But this year Crunchy is back with a very special Christmas message, which is this: your Kim is a bad person! Because does she write you Christmas cards? No, she does not! I can see her right now, from my old-timey people perch-- she is playing Nintendo Wii! And not sitting in her chair writing you cards of good will wishes.
She claims that this is because she is tired out of writing cards, because of her thank you card writing debacle. But if she is so tired, how has she managed to become a pro at the Wii Tennis, with so much limb flailing and the cursing of small animated computer tennis players?
The truth of the matter is, only Crunchy loves you. And by loves you, I mean does not like you at all, again because of your working jaws and non-conjoined legs.
So rise up in your unhappiness at the Kim-not-writing-cards fooferau! Adopt the Crunchy as your new favorite Oja! You will be most satisfied, as Crunchy was built for loving you.
All best,
Crunchy
The Angry Christmas Nutcracker
4 pipers piping:
There's that word again! "Fooferau:" so obscure it gets a red squiggly under it, yet it keeps coming up in the context of women I sort of know, but not really.
You know, Crunchy: did it ever occur to you that maybe some of us are jealous of your jaw? That maybe some of us secretly wish for conjoined legs? Typically, only snakes and the French can open their mouths so wide.
And the leg thing. Dude! People are always on about how awesome merfolk are. It says so on the Internet. And your footies are vaguely flippery. So you're, like, their cousin, or something.
You just need to turn that frown ups—
Um.
Look, just tell Kim that she shouldn't feel so bad, because I still have an unopened box of Xmas cards from last year that I never sent. And Wii Tennis will probably make her card-signin' arm really strong.
Peace out.
Oh, Crunchy, how I've missed your, erm, Christmas cheer. I hope you're not insulting Ben? He'll break your...conjoined legs?
Crunchy Oja has such a nice ring! Good to hear from you again, Crunchy.
crunchy is pretty awesome. my nutcracker is totally jealous.
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