SSSD: Day Two

This one was a lot harder-- I was hoping for something funnier, but... this is what I got. Someone please tell me I'm still funny, or soon I'll just be calling in to talk radio shows and expressing lame opinions no one cares about.

Here's the prompt-- the whole thing will make a lot more sense if you check it out.

*

Friends and family mourn the loss today of Twinsburg native Ennis Farquhar, who choked to death on a grisly wad of Salisbury Steak at the local Cracker Barrel last Wednesday evening.

"It was all so quick," sobbed daughter Wanda Blauvelt, who attended what would be her father's last meal with her husband Ronald and their two daughters, Maybelle and Dani. "He was in the middle of screaming at the waitress—Listen, you little cunt, if this piece of shit steak is your idea of a joke, then I’m not laughing, he said-- and then he just..." Blauvelt trailed off, her eyes falling to the framed picture that rested in her lap, a picture of her father dressed in a Speedo and wearing a foam finger. A single tear splashed onto the glass, obscuring the invisible dog leash he held during happier times. "At least he died doing what he loved."

Currently in police custody is Blauvelt's husband Ronald, who, as a trained EMT, had an obligation to perform the Heimlich maneuver on his father-in-law, but did not.

"I don't know, I just... just couldn't stop watching," he said. "Right before the waitress got there, he had been performing his usual routine-- Ronny, you're a no-good Pollock. Ronny, my Wanda deserves so much better-- his usual Ronny Scumbag routine, you know-- and then the waitress came with the ice water, and then... I don't know. I hear him gagging, you know, and see him clutch his throat, but he's mouthing Help me, motherfucker. No please, nothing. Even a Please, motherfucker would have been nice."

Unrepentant about his actions, Ronald Blauvelt will remain in custody during his father-in-law's funeral today. "Ennis Farquhar died like he lived," Blauvelt concludes. "As an asshole."